Girls….. Pls

It’s been a long time… I shouldn’t have left you… Without a dope beat to step to…

Ok, I’ll stop singing Aaliyah and write this shiz. It has been a long time. Besides going emo and welcoming a new year, I don’t really have much exciting news. I almost felt like moving back to Perth, that’s how emo I was but I don’t ever want to go back unless I have to.

I want to share with you a tale of my Singapore trip. So mum booked me a flight for tiger airways. I can’t really complain because she paid for it. As I boarded the plane I realised how cramped we all were going to be. FML. Because I hate waiting, I was part of the final few to get on the plane. Shit, I had a window seat. I was one of those people that made the middle and aisle seat get up for me when they were already so comfortable. Sorry! But not sorry!! As I sit down, these two kids are chatting away. They don’t know each other but hot English guy is trying to pick up less than average looking girl. So here I am eavesdropping on their conversation because well, I had no choice. Now the conversation makes me 1/ want to cut my ears off and 2/ reach for a gun and blow my brains out. Less than average looking girl most obviously is trying to impress hot English guy but no shit, she single handedly brings down the intelligence of the female population. Now, I wouldn’t get so annoyed if she didn’t seem like such an airhead but she made a point that she goes to UWA so she must be smart right? For those that don’t know UWA is the most prestigious university in Western Australia.

So as less than average looking girl holds onto her Battle Royale book (also one of her topics of conversation), she gets asked a pretty standard question by hot English guy – “what do you do in your spare time?”. Now, most people here might talk about sports, travelling and any other interesting hobby but what does less than average looking girl answer with? Parties. ………… Parties? Oh wait, she corrected herself and said “House parties”. Wow! I guess every day after you finish the day from uni, you must party. Every waking moment must be partying. I wouldn’t be so harsh if she had an additional answer but that was her final answer. Could you seriously look any more desperate and pathetic? I get it, people want to impress and attract the opposite sex. But if all you got going for you is parties, I mean house parties, is that really something worthwhile? I can’t assume that hot English guy just wanted to get in her pants. I made an assumption that he wouldn’t ask that question unless he was genuinely interested. As I listened to his reaction, I could hear in his voice that “oh! is that all?” Kind of tone.

Seriously, this girl was an idiot and reinforces the fact why I hate most people. Talk about anything besides house parties. Use your fucking brain! Don’t make the female population loathe you for your inability to make men respect you because you come up with some lame answer in order to look cool. My gawd! My phone was on the verge of dying but I couldn’t stand it any longer. I was either going to blow up and interrupt this sad conversation or use all power that was left on my phone and listen to music in order to drown it out. I opted for music. I mean, if you’re trying to hook up on a cramped tiger airways flight where I didn’t even have enough space to let my vagina breathe, then I can’t say you’re going for the best quality and I should really mind my own business.

Girls – if you really want to impress someone, please stop for just a moment and think about your answers. For goodness sake, just fucking take your time!! I will think you’re an idiot otherwise.

Thank you!


I wish I was a cat

Today as I left work, I told a friend that I wish I could be a cat as a job.

Let’s think about this…

I think I would very useful as a cat. If I got paid to be your companion, I would make the best god damn companion you will ever have! Demonstrated below are some valid points that will make you think about me as a lifetime pet:

I would play with you. I would cuddle you. I would lick your hand and you would enjoy it. I would scratch the frak out of people’s faces that you hate. I would be loveable. I would be your entertainment with a laser pointer. I would be totally cute. I would keep you warm. I would be a never ending meme. I would always let you stroke my fur. I would be your best friend. I would always have staring competitions with you. I would let you dress me up in lame costumes. I would pose in every photo for you. I would pee on your clothes.

Ok, just realized that I would probably do all these things by staying human – except the peeing on your clothes… maybe.

So who wants me as their friend / cat? Any takers? I can charge a cheap fee of $100,000 per year – I’d be happy with that.


cool cat