My little tests

What better way to let go of thoughts…

Life is challenging. It throws you tests every other day and you’re there wondering how you are meant to deal with it?

What have I encountered in the last month. After a visit to my home town Perth, I encountered some family drama (as you do), my dog dying and baring my inner feelings to someone who couldn’t return them. Let’s just say biggest and shittiest timing I have encountered. Upon returning to Melbourne I’ve had fights with friends – shit that shouldn’t even happen and I don’t want to deal with and yet I’m always entangled… maybe because I care too much. I nearly had a break down at work – just one day everything was just too overwhelming but going through what happened prior to this, it just seemed the sequences of events was too much. Also, making stupid mistakes at work doesn’t help. On top of this, I have had bowel issues that really needed attention and I went for a STD test to ensure I was clean, after having unprotected sex (like an idiot). Thank goodness I have people to share my testing issues with.

One by one all these issues have been ticked off my lists of things that I’ve overcome. All I can say is, I don’t like sitting here in pain after having surgery which involved some anal probing. The next thing on my list is to get cracking on my animal studies and get back into a routine of studying (I’m finding it difficult) and finding a house to buy. My fuck, housing in Melbourne is excruciatingly painful. Painful in the fact that anywhere lovely is over 1 million. Maybe I need to work harder in gaining my footballer husband.

Is this post relevant to anything? Maybe… I just wanted to say that everyone has their own struggles and we shouldn’t judge anyone before knowing what they might be going through. We are all fighting our own little battles no matter how significant or insignificant to some. I’m not saying my problems trumps over anyone elses issues. I know that people suffer worse than me. I am thankful my problems are easily solvable and I can deal with them provided I surround myself with positive people. It’s amazing how my perspective changes with just some inspirational quotes you find on Facebook and how getting rid of toxic people and toxic issues just make your life better. It’s so simple but I guess I need that random post to swim into my news feed for me to be reminded. Let me share with you some of my favs and hope that you too can make a difference for the better 🙂

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Feelings…

What to do with these feelings? They constantly consume me. I can’t think of anything else. How does one control them self? I feel sick to my stomach and yet excited at the same time.

I don’t know what the future will bring. I laid my cards out and I had some luck. Will my luck end or is it just beginning?

I bared my inner thoughts. I bared my inner feelings. I laid everything bare. It was raw and true. I have nothing to hide. I like the way I feel. It doesn’t make sense from the outside looking in. I know what I have experienced is real.

Will this be short lived? I’d like to think I arise from the mess I created. I was selfish in my own addiction. I wanted it. Sadly, I got what I wanted. All I’ve done is raise more questions into the unknown. It’s a waiting game – a game I’m not sure how long I will last.

Will I go all the way? Do I deserve to get what I want? How am I to know? It pains me to sit here alone with no answers. I am not forcing anything to happen. I want it to evolve naturally. I am willing to love but do I want it to escape my heart? Am I ready? I think I am.

Feelings

What will he bring?

They ask me what am I doing… I answer with “I don’t know”. Can morals ever over rule my feelings and desires? I wonder… I wonder if the decisions in this situation are right. Do I take the risk of liking someone with no definitive answer? Is their heart really occupied by another? Do they even feel for me?

I like knowing that my heart can feel again. Yes, in time of course it would. I am surprised at the time it decides to present itself. I am open to the possibilities. Maybe he’s not right for me. Maybe he’s only here to open my eyes to what could be. Being lustful, being playful, being care free – who doesn’t like being caught up in emotions and actions that lead to love and laughter.

Do I love him? Definitely not. Could I? That’s a ripe question that even I can’t guarantee. Throwing feelings out there is a chance. I’ve already taken the chance. Will anything eventuate? We shall see. I wonder if you can gaze into another persons’ eyes and you’ll just know that it’s right.Or maybe, you’ll just know that it’s all wrong. I wonder what our meeting will bring.

I hope that I’m not weak. I hope I won’t succumb to my devious heart. I want to be guided by my gut, following only my instincts – this is something I still need to learn. I hope he respects me. I hope he won’t mess with my mind. What am I getting myself into? The time is approaching, creeping up ever so slowly and though my heart tickles with excitement, reservation kicks in also.

Is it human nature to have expectations? Or is it just me? I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. But who does? So many questions…. Maybe I just like answers. Nothing wrong with wanting answers but then over analysis is my weakness. So here I am, letting it out of my mind. What will be, will be…

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