This is not easily admitted by people, but, before my boyfriend broke up with me, whenever someone got engaged, I would actually be jealous of them. For me, being in a relationship for 10 years sort of gives you the impression that it would be happening some time soon right? Instead of being happy for my friends, my instant thought was jealousy, and, when would my time be coming?
I just couldn’t be happy for my friends and family. This has happened on quite a few occasions. I realized I am so selfish. My initial thought was not “OMG I am so happy for you right now”, it was more so “OMG i’m so jealous”.
I don’t know when I became this person. When you picture your future in your younger days and you imagine what your life would be like, it’s automatic to build a life to your goals. I wanted this in my life right now, but life has dealt me some new cards and I need to put that dream of being engaged, getting married and having children on hold.
I don’t like that I have become this person. I am bitter. This is not me. To blame my ex-partner would be wrong because I should have pushed harder or ended it ages ago if it wasn’t going in the direction I thought it would.
I feel I need to write this to document the next chapter in my life. I need to release myself of the constraints of where I am at the moment. I want to be less selfish and more selfless.
When I get over this bump, I know I will become the better person I want to be. I hope that I can reignite the feeling of being happy in other peoples’ happiness. Currently, I am a working progress. I have enough faith in myself to know that I can overcome bitterness and selfishness.
And so the journey begins…