Being Selfish…

This is not easily admitted by people, but, before my boyfriend broke up with me, whenever someone got engaged, I would actually be jealous of them. For me, being in a relationship for 10 years sort of gives you the impression that it would be happening some time soon right? Instead of being happy for my friends, my instant thought was jealousy, and, when would my time be coming?

I just couldn’t be happy for my friends and family. This has happened on quite a few occasions. I realized I am so selfish. My initial thought was not “OMG I am so happy for you right now”, it was more so “OMG i’m so jealous”.

I don’t know when I became this person. When you picture your future in your younger days and you imagine what your life would be like, it’s automatic to build a life to your goals. I wanted this in my life right now, but life has dealt me some new cards and I need to put that dream of being engaged, getting married and having children on hold.

I don’t like that I have become this person. I am bitter. This is not me. To blame my ex-partner would be wrong because I should have pushed harder or ended it ages ago if it wasn’t going in the direction I thought it would.

I feel I need to write this to document the next chapter in my life. I need to release myself of the constraints of where I am at the moment. I want to be less selfish and more selfless.

When I get over this bump, I know I will become the better person I want to be. I hope that I can reignite the feeling of being happy in other peoples’ happiness. Currently, I am a working progress. I have enough faith in myself to know that I can overcome bitterness and selfishness.

And so the journey begins…

cherry blossom

Seeing for the first time

One of the greatest gifts my partner has shared with me is to have an open mind. I thought I had an open mind but I soon realised that was just at surface level. Recent discussions between us has really involved imagining how another person thinks and why we think the way we do.

I live in a white dominated community. There is no beating around the bush. I see hardly any Asians or coloured people in general where I live. The only Asians I know for sure live where I do is based on the fact the local bakery and grocery are owned by Asians. There will be a point to this story momentarily.

I visit a local post office quite regularly because I often have parcels to pick up. There is a young woman there that I observe. Well, actually I observe all the postal workers. They are all white. I noticed that this young woman would happily serve all the white people before and after me with a big smile, laid back nature and give them the best service one can offer. When I reach her counter, she is instantly annoyed at me. I don’t even have to open my mouth for the annoyance to be displayed on her face. Now, she’s not alone in this. When I’m out, wherever it may be, I feel like I am being discriminated. Sometimes I get rude service and I have learned to just accept it. Most people would get mad and complain but I hate being angry so it’s more of a case of moving on from this matter.

Coming back to what my partner has shown me. In this instance with the postal worker, “I” brought it back to me and how “I” felt she was treating me. “I” never once thought about what she was thinking and how she felt. “I” didn’t think about the fact that she may have had a traumatic experience involving someone of a different ethnicity to her. She may have had an ex-boyfriend who was Asian that mistreated her and I could be reminder of that. She too may have been on a receiving end of an Asian giving her bad customer service. Whatever it may be, “I” never stopped to think about her feelings. I instantly always bring only my feelings into play. For me, I see that this is in my own human nature. “I” have always been selfish in that regard.

Now, it’s not to say that what she is doing is wrong and she might not be very accepting. I understand there are many people like that, but, I never stopped to think why they are like that. Have they been influenced by friends and family and just accept that Asians are bad people? Does the media portray coloured people in a bad light by outlining ethnicity in their reports when bad things happen? Does our education fail us? I realised that I never stop to think about being in another persons’ shoes to gain a little bit of insight to what they might be feeling and what influences their thought process for them to act the way they do.

Why did I share this? I shared it because, although I may have thought others were ignorant, I had never thought about why they came to be that way. I have now thought about the fact, that it may not be their fault, because their outside influences is what drives them. What have I learned? I have learned to be more forgiving, not accept things at just face value but always be more accommodating of others. Why did I title this “seeing for the first time”? I feel that my eyes are now open and I am actually seeing the world in a different view. Was it an intended view? That’s one of life’s mysteries. Maybe I needed this in order to forgive my own ignorance. Maybe it was for me to come at peace with how the world is the way the way that it is and that we have the power to influence and make a change. Maybe it was for me to share so now you are exposed to a greater way of thinking.


Whenever you visit an art gallery…

I mean no disrespect when I visit art galleries. Sometimes, I will stand there is awe of the beautiful creation. Other times, I will stand there thinking is that really art? Why would someone create this?

My wonderful place of employment organized an art exhibition tour. Now, this is really a different and refreshing change from the boozed up functions we normally have, and really gives people the opportunity, to be more open minded and lavish in timeless pieces of history.

This tour was special because we had a tour guide to really delve into the specifics of time periods, the change in how art evolved and what the artists were trying to capture in that point in time. We went on the Picasso to Warhol tour in Perth.

Some pics I captured:

Sorry for the mediocre pictures. They are taken from my iPhone. If you’re second guessing if that was a penis you saw. It definitely is.

So, are you like me in that when you look at this:

you think, “I can paint that?”

I swear, every painting I was saying to my boyfriend, “I reckon I can do that”. Bear in mind, I do not possess artistic flair in the slightest, and yet I believe, I can conquer painting a magnificently constructed piece of artwork. Now I’m wondering, maybe I should set myself a challenge and see if I could actually do this.

When I look at art, I think about what I like – good use of colour, the detail and what I think the painting represents. Ask me about brush strokes, the genre, what the artist is actually saying, the defining period and at that point you’ve lost me and I could probably make up some fluff to fool you that I am a passionate art lover.

What I often think about is how much do people pay for these pieces? and also how do artists live if you don’t have a steady income? Do artists only make the most money after they die?

What really struck me as odd is Andy Warhol’s soup collection. Why would someone pay $11 million for Andy’s small torn Campbell soup can painting. Yes, his work was pop art and a statement about consumerism but I can buy you a can of soup for $2, tear the label, paint you the picture of the can of soup with the torn piece of branding and would I get $11 million? This astounds me beyond words that 1) people would pay that money and 2) people are fascinated by a painting of a torn soup labelled soup can. Did anyone stop to think maybe one day all he wanted to do was silkscreen the soup can for testing purposes because that’s all it was… a soup can on a canvas with no meaning? $11 million….. Maybe we should all quit our day jobs.