What to do with these feelings? They constantly consume me. I can’t think of anything else. How does one control them self? I feel sick to my stomach and yet excited at the same time.
I don’t know what the future will bring. I laid my cards out and I had some luck. Will my luck end or is it just beginning?
I bared my inner thoughts. I bared my inner feelings. I laid everything bare. It was raw and true. I have nothing to hide. I like the way I feel. It doesn’t make sense from the outside looking in. I know what I have experienced is real.
Will this be short lived? I’d like to think I arise from the mess I created. I was selfish in my own addiction. I wanted it. Sadly, I got what I wanted. All I’ve done is raise more questions into the unknown. It’s a waiting game – a game I’m not sure how long I will last.
Will I go all the way? Do I deserve to get what I want? How am I to know? It pains me to sit here alone with no answers. I am not forcing anything to happen. I want it to evolve naturally. I am willing to love but do I want it to escape my heart? Am I ready? I think I am.
They ask me what am I doing… I answer with “I don’t know”. Can morals ever over rule my feelings and desires? I wonder… I wonder if the decisions in this situation are right. Do I take the risk of liking someone with no definitive answer? Is their heart really occupied by another? Do they even feel for me?
I like knowing that my heart can feel again. Yes, in time of course it would. I am surprised at the time it decides to present itself. I am open to the possibilities. Maybe he’s not right for me. Maybe he’s only here to open my eyes to what could be. Being lustful, being playful, being care free – who doesn’t like being caught up in emotions and actions that lead to love and laughter.
Do I love him? Definitely not. Could I? That’s a ripe question that even I can’t guarantee. Throwing feelings out there is a chance. I’ve already taken the chance. Will anything eventuate? We shall see. I wonder if you can gaze into another persons’ eyes and you’ll just know that it’s right.Or maybe, you’ll just know that it’s all wrong. I wonder what our meeting will bring.
I hope that I’m not weak. I hope I won’t succumb to my devious heart. I want to be guided by my gut, following only my instincts – this is something I still need to learn. I hope he respects me. I hope he won’t mess with my mind. What am I getting myself into? The time is approaching, creeping up ever so slowly and though my heart tickles with excitement, reservation kicks in also.
Is it human nature to have expectations? Or is it just me? I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. But who does? So many questions…. Maybe I just like answers. Nothing wrong with wanting answers but then over analysis is my weakness. So here I am, letting it out of my mind. What will be, will be…
Today is my last day in Adelaide and its exciting because Virgin sent me a text saying there will be wireless enabled on my flight. Yippee!! So, why did I spend some time in Adelaide? Because the company I work for acquired another ISP so that got me interested to see how they operate. To most people they wouldn’t really care, but I guess the more I learn, the more powerful I am with knowledge gained. I didn’t plan to go anywhere as I was interested in working (i know it sounds lame) but my host did take me out to some interesting places and it made me realise that I could really live in any Australian city. Australian cities are so easily adaptable.
Some things happened whilst I was here. I have a newfound liking of Kat Graham. At first, all I liked was her “Put your graffiti on me” track but then I heard “Power” and now can’t stop listening to her music. If you don’t know who Kat Graham is, go watch vampire diaries. I found out how much I love a certain friend. No matter how shit a day you’re having, she’s there being entertaining as ever and listens to you go all day talking about boys that you have no chance with but still babble on about them. I realised how much “girl power” I have. Just being confident and honest seems to ignite a spark in me that is attractive to others. Telling a guy that you think is hot can make all the difference. It’s worth risking the friendship to see what would happen. I guess I’m taking more risks that I wouldn’t normally and it’s paying off. Good for me!
Going back to my mate who I adore. I like a guy who is taken. That’s always challenging. And, I don’t mean challenging in that I want to break them up. I mean challenging because you have to either hope that this person would feel the same, hope that they break up with their partner or you have to kill those feelings because it won’t ever happen for you. I talked in my last post how meeting certain people trigger feelings. This guy with the girlfriend is definitely one of these people. The other night, my friend told me to move on from liking him. She told me his girlfriend is amazing and that they suit each other… perfect for each other in fact. The truth hurts. Without the truth, how would we move forward? I love my friend even more for slapping me with a good dose of reality. Whatever hope I had, she basically said just kill that now! If I can dish out some cold heart truth then I should be able to receive it right? And….. I have. He’ll be a good friend and that’s as far as it’ll go. I can’t pursue anything more and I’m ok with that. If you think someone is that amazing, then it’s no wonder why they are with someone equally amazing.
I’m going to visit some wineries and then jump on a plane to Perth. Then finish any packing my mumma bear wants me to do and then fly back to home to Melbourne. I hope to be back in Melbourne sooner. I just don’t think I can be away for much longer. I now can continue looking at circus costumes for the Melbourne Xmas party. Everyone is going as a ring master or jester which makes the pool of choice minimal. I’m thinking showgirl as I want to look hot 🙂
Toodles for now
P.S forgot to post this as I’m currently back in Perth.. Flying back to Melbourne tomorrow