My little tests

What better way to let go of thoughts…

Life is challenging. It throws you tests every other day and you’re there wondering how you are meant to deal with it?

What have I encountered in the last month. After a visit to my home town Perth, I encountered some family drama (as you do), my dog dying and baring my inner feelings to someone who couldn’t return them. Let’s just say biggest and shittiest timing I have encountered. Upon returning to Melbourne I’ve had fights with friends – shit that shouldn’t even happen and I don’t want to deal with and yet I’m always entangled… maybe because I care too much. I nearly had a break down at work – just one day everything was just too overwhelming but going through what happened prior to this, it just seemed the sequences of events was too much. Also, making stupid mistakes at work doesn’t help. On top of this, I have had bowel issues that really needed attention and I went for a STD test to ensure I was clean, after having unprotected sex (like an idiot). Thank goodness I have people to share my testing issues with.

One by one all these issues have been ticked off my lists of things that I’ve overcome. All I can say is, I don’t like sitting here in pain after having surgery which involved some anal probing. The next thing on my list is to get cracking on my animal studies and get back into a routine of studying (I’m finding it difficult) and finding a house to buy. My fuck, housing in Melbourne is excruciatingly painful. Painful in the fact that anywhere lovely is over 1 million. Maybe I need to work harder in gaining my footballer husband.

Is this post relevant to anything? Maybe… I just wanted to say that everyone has their own struggles and we shouldn’t judge anyone before knowing what they might be going through. We are all fighting our own little battles no matter how significant or insignificant to some. I’m not saying my problems trumps over anyone elses issues. I know that people suffer worse than me. I am thankful my problems are easily solvable and I can deal with them provided I surround myself with positive people. It’s amazing how my perspective changes with just some inspirational quotes you find on Facebook and how getting rid of toxic people and toxic issues just make your life better. It’s so simple but I guess I need that random post to swim into my news feed for me to be reminded. Let me share with you some of my favs and hope that you too can make a difference for the better 🙂

10402656_10152640200659523_1410244197554102699_n

10348390_10152656988229523_1500128184750976749_n 10388143_10152649598994523_9146843098077371991_n 10441336_10152632488889523_1724587116344401078_n

 

Advertisements

My time in RADelaide

Today is my last day in Adelaide and its exciting because Virgin sent me a text saying there will be wireless enabled on my flight. Yippee!! So, why did I spend some time in Adelaide? Because the company I work for acquired another ISP so that got me interested to see how they operate. To most people they wouldn’t really care, but I guess the more I learn, the more powerful I am with knowledge gained. I didn’t plan to go anywhere as I was interested in working (i know it sounds lame) but my host did take me out to some interesting places and it made me realise that I could really live in any Australian city. Australian cities are so easily adaptable.

Some things happened whilst I was here. I have a newfound liking of Kat Graham. At first, all I liked was her “Put your graffiti on me” track but then I heard “Power” and now can’t stop listening to her music. If you don’t know who Kat Graham is, go watch vampire diaries. I found out how much I love a certain friend. No matter how shit a day you’re having, she’s there being entertaining as ever and listens to you go all day talking about boys that you have no chance with but still babble on about them. I realised how much “girl power” I have. Just being confident and honest seems to ignite a spark in me that is attractive to others. Telling a guy that you think is hot can make all the difference. It’s worth risking the friendship to see what would happen. I guess I’m taking more risks that I wouldn’t normally and it’s paying off. Good for me!

Going back to my mate who I adore. I like a guy who is taken. That’s always challenging. And, I don’t mean challenging in that I want to break them up. I mean challenging because you have to either hope that this person would feel the same, hope that they break up with their partner or you have to kill those feelings because it won’t ever happen for you. I talked in my last post how meeting certain people trigger feelings. This guy with the girlfriend is definitely one of these people. The other night, my friend told me to move on from liking him. She told me his girlfriend is amazing and that they suit each other… perfect for each other in fact. The truth hurts. Without the truth, how would we move forward? I love my friend even more for slapping me with a good dose of reality. Whatever hope I had, she basically said just kill that now! If I can dish out some cold heart truth then I should be able to receive it right? And….. I have. He’ll be a good friend and that’s as far as it’ll go. I can’t pursue anything more and I’m ok with that. If you think someone is that amazing, then it’s no wonder why they are with someone equally amazing.

I’m going to visit some wineries and then jump on a plane to Perth. Then finish any packing my mumma bear wants me to do and then fly back to home to Melbourne. I hope to be back in Melbourne sooner. I just don’t think I can be away for much longer. I now can continue looking at circus costumes for the Melbourne Xmas party. Everyone is going as a ring master or jester which makes the pool of choice minimal. I’m thinking showgirl as I want to look hot 🙂

Toodles for now

LL

20131201-200359.jpg

P.S forgot to post this as I’m currently back in Perth.. Flying back to Melbourne tomorrow

How am I feeling?

Don’t you just hate when you think you’ve saved your draft and when you go back, it just decides to erase itself? Why?!? I just hit save, then came back to nothing! Nothing! Gah!

Going off memory, I first started with – hi, how are you? I’ve been great. I caught up with old friends and met some new ones. Once again, I learned some things about myself. But, before I go into that, I want to talk about some things I did. I drank a lot of durian bubble tea – if you haven’t had durian, you haven’t lived! I watched 5ive in concert – couldn’t miss the chance to see my teen heart throbs. Worked, worked, worked – the Perth office is familiar and still new. Ate too much sweet corn tempura and pad Thai. And, I probably drank too much but that doesn’t seem like anything new these days. Does this seem interesting? Most likely not, but I thought whoever is reading this might care how much or not much you can do in Perth.

So, things I’ve learned about myself. Perth comes with good and bad memories. Seeing my ex was alright, I think. I become 50/50 when I see him because most of the time I don’t want to see him. It wasn’t so bad avoiding each other in social situations – means less drama right? and you keep up appearances. I got told he has a new girlfriend… or did have a new girlfriend so good luck to him. It’s good for us to both move on. I learned that people from both Perth and Melbourne rely on me. I didn’t think my presence makes a difference. People rely on me for all sorts of support so it’s nice that both sides see this and speak out how much they need me. It’s like I’m torn between 2 places but at the same time I’m not. Perth had me for a good portion of my life so Melbourne wins this round. It’s really nice knowing that people love me as much as they do. Gives meaning to your life.

Apart from this, I realised when you have feelings, it gives you validation that you’re alive. And, I don’t mean you’re just another living and breathing entity. What I mean is: that feeling you get when you’re buzzing from all these experiences that make life worth living. I got to actually “feel” on this Perth trip and it makes me feel good about myself. What triggered these feelings? Yes, it was a guy. Nothing will ever happen with him because he’s taken but it was pleasant to lust. I haven’t fully lusted in awhile so I liked the way he made me feel despite age differences. He knows that I am crushing on him and even though he knew, he still wanted to be friends. I was pleasantly surprised by this. Why? Because 1/ I always have a fear when you hit on people at work it becomes sexual harassment and 2/ sometimes when interests are known and not reciprocated, the relationship goes weird. It was definitely nice to know that he could see past it and still establish a friendship. I wouldn’t ever try anything because I am respectful in that regard. Plus, we didn’t really have a friendship prior. It was more so, me having total physical attraction and me telling him he was hot before any more conversation happened. I think quite a few people know but,I don’t actually care because I’m more excited to have feelings flowing through me, than worrying about what people are saying. What I will actually miss, is having someone like him to hang out with. Even though it was a short time I had, it lead to other friendships being established. Good things can happen if you let them! Why am I sharing this? Because its 1/ good to have feelings and 2/ good to put yourself out there and take a risk. What’s the worst that can happen really?

Moving on to what has been said to me recently. So my friend/s tells me everyone loves me because I’m hot. Don’t even know what that means but I wanted to analyse this or rather so, share my thoughts on this. I have never been “hot”. What do I mean by this? I never had guys chasing after me. I never got complimented on looks by men. I was never someone that a man would look twice at or even once. I have been called ugly to my face and that shit scars. I am grateful that I have overcome my self esteem and confidence issues and learned to love myself. When people say I’m hot, I don’t know how to deal with this. Most people would buzz (I imagine) but I don’t know how to take it. It’s definitely not something I am used to. I don’t understand it because I’ve never had it happen to me before – the attention. I know, I know – I should be so lucky but I honestly don’t know what to do with such compliments. Usually I just laugh it off because I have always had a mentality of why would someone say that to me? I need to embrace this but at the same time, I don’t just want to be a pretty face because I actually have substance. Also, I’m pretty sure people don’t love me just because I’m “hot”. And who are these people? They don’t make themselves known. I have been getting called “hot” by friends and guys from dating websites. Yes, I joined dating websites and I don’t go on there fishing for compliments. It’s to get myself out there – more on this later. I wouldn’t want to just known as being hot – I’d want people to get to know me. I need to lavish more into the attention – I think. New learning experience.

Sooooooooo, dating websites. Besides using meetup.com as a way to meet new people, I joined dating websites because I thought I should start dating. I am still unsure about this. Why? Because I have never dated in my life. I was with the same person for nearly 10 years. I wouldn’t even know what to do on a date but I am willing to try. It’s a bit scary and exciting at the same time. I don’t think I will have trouble getting along with people but its whether or not the physical attraction will be there. I’ll blog about my experiences. I have no doubt there will be some interesting moments. I find a lot of the guys just want sex and that’s fine because that’s fun and all but I am still unsure what I want. I know I “need” to have fun but at the same time I think about my age and the future I want. Also, having Asian skin makes me look younger than my age, so naturally I attract a lot more younger guys. People guess I’m 23 -25 all the time. I am 29. I hope I have enough eggs. I keep changing my mind a lot on what I want. I’ve been chatting to one guy who I get along with really well but at the same time is good looking. I think he’s 24 or 25 but won’t be in the country much longer. Not sure what will happen there. I also want to add that I have the worst luck with whom I like. Most of the time they are taken and rightfully so, because if I think they are lovely, of course someone else would think the same and have snatched them up. Ok, I don’t believe in luck but I think it’s just bad timing. I really do have the worst timing.

Well that’s it for now. I keep getting distracted by the TV show Cult which is playing in the background and now I am intrigued.

As always, thanks for stopping by. You gained a little insight to what’s happened the past month. So, how am I feeling? I “feel” lustful and fulfilled. Fulfilled in the sense that I am always learning.

LL

20131110-001334.jpg