My little tests

What better way to let go of thoughts…

Life is challenging. It throws you tests every other day and you’re there wondering how you are meant to deal with it?

What have I encountered in the last month. After a visit to my home town Perth, I encountered some family drama (as you do), my dog dying and baring my inner feelings to someone who couldn’t return them. Let’s just say biggest and shittiest timing I have encountered. Upon returning to Melbourne I’ve had fights with friends – shit that shouldn’t even happen and I don’t want to deal with and yet I’m always entangled… maybe because I care too much. I nearly had a break down at work – just one day everything was just too overwhelming but going through what happened prior to this, it just seemed the sequences of events was too much. Also, making stupid mistakes at work doesn’t help. On top of this, I have had bowel issues that really needed attention and I went for a STD test to ensure I was clean, after having unprotected sex (like an idiot). Thank goodness I have people to share my testing issues with.

One by one all these issues have been ticked off my lists of things that I’ve overcome. All I can say is, I don’t like sitting here in pain after having surgery which involved some anal probing. The next thing on my list is to get cracking on my animal studies and get back into a routine of studying (I’m finding it difficult) and finding a house to buy. My fuck, housing in Melbourne is excruciatingly painful. Painful in the fact that anywhere lovely is over 1 million. Maybe I need to work harder in gaining my footballer husband.

Is this post relevant to anything? Maybe… I just wanted to say that everyone has their own struggles and we shouldn’t judge anyone before knowing what they might be going through. We are all fighting our own little battles no matter how significant or insignificant to some. I’m not saying my problems trumps over anyone elses issues. I know that people suffer worse than me. I am thankful my problems are easily solvable and I can deal with them provided I surround myself with positive people. It’s amazing how my perspective changes with just some inspirational quotes you find on Facebook and how getting rid of toxic people and toxic issues just make your life better. It’s so simple but I guess I need that random post to swim into my news feed for me to be reminded. Let me share with you some of my favs and hope that you too can make a difference for the better πŸ™‚

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Love Yourself

You know how people always tell you:

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Well, I have only believed in this recently. I thought about it more last night with my free time.

Growing up I was bullied, teased from racial abuse, had no confidence in myself and basically had no self esteem. I was a person who lived in fear of what other people thought about me. Of course this transcended into my adult years, until, I met a friend that changed my life. When you meet someone who has an illness, who can be taken away at any moment, and they teach you to live every day as though it’s your last, it really changes how you want to live your life. It’s a scary thought, having a friend that can be taken away at any moment though this didn’t seem to weigh them down. They go on living every day to the fullest. I thought to myself, why am I not applying this to my own life?

My ex thought I was changing as a person and he didn’t like the person I was becoming based on outside influences. I never saw myself as changing. If anything, I was awakened. My eyes were opened and I started doing things that made me happy. At the end of the day isn’t that what everyone wants?

I learned to love myself. I realised that it didn’t matter if people didn’t like me – well, you can’t make everyone in the world like you. I didn’t care if people didn’t like what I was doing – it’s my life, why would it matter to anyone else? The only opinions I should care about are those closest to me. I wasn’t so self-conscious. My self esteem was boosted. I accepted myself.

This brings me to the serenity prayer. I love this prayer and there are many variations though I like how this version is written:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”

Whether you believe in God or not, is up to you. I think it’s a powerful saying and a great lesson. The way I interpret it is to learn the power within you and know that you have the power to make changes in your life for the better. To learn the power within to make positive changes at that. The things you cannot change are those that are from the past and it is about moving forward and opening yourself up to all the possibility. It is about knowing that you are the only person that can make your life better – not anyone else. Once you can accept this, then you will truly find inner peace and love yourself.

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and it is positive because I changed my thought processes. I notice many people around me not happy with themselves or not happy with their lives. I hope they learn from what I have to offer to make some positive and powerful changes in their lives. It comes from within and the power to love one’s self.

LiLi

love yourself

Being alone makes you reflect

As I embrace my new chapter there are so many things I am grateful for. Even though I have lost so much, I am lucky to have experienced what I have in my life so far. From all the negative things that may have happened, I still turned around my thinking, to look at the positives.

I can safely say that I had the opportunity to love and have that loved returned. Not everyone gets to experience this in their lifetime so I am, one of the lucky ones. I think it’s an amazing thing to give your heart away to someone and having the love of another human being. Besides the obvious, of having family and friends love you, it’s exciting to meet a stranger, develop a relationship and learn what it is to love. It truly is an indescribable feeling.

I am grateful that I have supportive friends and family. In my experience, the most unlikely people to make sure I was ok every day were people I was not necessarily close to. Most people would think going through what I went through, I would want my own space – and yes, to a certain extent I wanted to clear my head and move forward, but it was nice to have people (whom I never imagined would care as much as they did) message me to cheer me up and check in that I wasn’t at a point of losing it. I’ll just say that humans can surprise you.

Not everyone gets to fulfil their dreams. One of my dreams is to live in another city. Although I did not come here on the best of circumstances, I still get to live out my dream. Just being lost in another atmosphere, starting from scratch, developing new relationships and discovering a new world gives me the opportunity to learn for myself. I get to capture moments that are significant to me and get to keep for myself forever. I grew up in Perth, and, am one of those people that want to see the world. Being on my own means I get to learn about myself also.

They say all the small things count. Never had I known, that being able to buy furniture and home wares be something that I’d enjoy. Being able to create a living space that captures my style and personality is really new to me. It might not be a profound life changing moment but it gives me some sense of organisation and fulfilment. I like the feeling of creating something on my own and being proud of it.

As I lay here truly thinking about the positive things that I have, I know deep down that life is not bad. It’s these positives that will help me move forward. I know I have so much love to give when I find the strength to offer it again. I can only hope that the people surrounding me offer their love in return.

LiLi

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