They ask me what am I doing… I answer with “I don’t know”. Can morals ever over rule my feelings and desires? I wonder… I wonder if the decisions in this situation are right. Do I take the risk of liking someone with no definitive answer? Is their heart really occupied by another? Do they even feel for me?
I like knowing that my heart can feel again. Yes, in time of course it would. I am surprised at the time it decides to present itself. I am open to the possibilities. Maybe he’s not right for me. Maybe he’s only here to open my eyes to what could be. Being lustful, being playful, being care free – who doesn’t like being caught up in emotions and actions that lead to love and laughter.
Do I love him? Definitely not. Could I? That’s a ripe question that even I can’t guarantee. Throwing feelings out there is a chance. I’ve already taken the chance. Will anything eventuate? We shall see. I wonder if you can gaze into another persons’ eyes and you’ll just know that it’s right.Or maybe, you’ll just know that it’s all wrong. I wonder what our meeting will bring.
I hope that I’m not weak. I hope I won’t succumb to my devious heart. I want to be guided by my gut, following only my instincts – this is something I still need to learn. I hope he respects me. I hope he won’t mess with my mind. What am I getting myself into? The time is approaching, creeping up ever so slowly and though my heart tickles with excitement, reservation kicks in also.
Is it human nature to have expectations? Or is it just me? I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. But who does? So many questions…. Maybe I just like answers. Nothing wrong with wanting answers but then over analysis is my weakness. So here I am, letting it out of my mind. What will be, will be…
The title of this post is actually a quote from Eureka – the TV series. I had forgotten about it. I find this particularly funny as it’s a quote I usually live my life by.
I’m not sure why I had forgotten about it. It’s really just a motivator to keep telling myself that life isn’t so bad and like it says “everything will work out the way it’s supposed to”. The only reason why I remembered this quote, is because, I got annoyed with Facebook telling me to update me info so I gave in, updated my info and re-stumbled on it. Is re-stumbled even a word? I think not but I can’t be bothered checking.
For me right now, I feel I really need this. I have lost hope. I am losing hope and faith in humans. It took a friend telling me that she would have hope for me when I didn’t have it for myself. I really love her for it and I think it’s especially amazing to be blessed with people like that in my life. I actually have this hope for her as she is such a beautiful, loving person and I do hope that the most wonderful guy will one day see all these qualities she has. Funnily enough, upon saying that, she said that’s how she felt for me.
So although there can be real asshole type people in the world and I can be too trusting, nice and caring for people, I have been told to try and be selective to whom I am nice to. This is hard for me because I am nice to everyone until they prove that they are bad people. I guess I need to be more cautious – pretty sure that’s not the word I am looking for. Being burned is good because it sets me up to be stronger for next time. Or next time I won’t like the people who are obviously no good to begin with because I didn’t want to believe they would be that way.
I will sit here and ponder some more about how to be selective with my niceness….
Today I decided to take a moment to discover my surroundings. I went to Melbourne’s Camberwell Sunday markets. It was a lot larger than I anticipated, so, it was my own fault that I ran out of time. Not going to make that mistake again. It was full of people’s hand made crafts, vintage items and clothing.
As you know I like to take photos. This was one of those days that I didn’t do that. I think it was better to experience rather than have a photo log.
You’re probably thinking: “it was just a market?”. Yes it was, but for me it was so much more. Coming here has placed me out of my depth. I am alone. I am in a city I have no idea about. I have hardly any friends. I don’t know where I am in relation to anything. Sure, I can research about things to do but at the same time, I don’t want to research on things to do here, because, I want that exciting feeling when I do make a new discovery. I think all those little insignificant moments we take for granted, need to be explored further by myself.
I am out of my comfort zone. And, it is so disconcerting but I feel I NEED this. Walking around at the market gave me the opportunity to see stories in people’s belongings. Wondering about where some items came from. Appreciating someone’s ability to design. Then there was always the mad scramble for people to selling every piece of clothing they had for 50 cents each just to be rid of it. It was a pleasant day.
For those that don’t know me very well, I hate cooking. Oh my gawd I’m a woman who doesn’t like to cook! Shocking! As a fish out of water, it’s forcing me to cook for myself. Who knows, I might come to love it. Tonight I really did not know what to cook so I kind of winged it. I used whatever condiments that were available. I made the simplest of meals – ginger soy mushrooms served on English spinach and cos lettuce. I used 3 ingredients with the mushrooms: ginger, oyster sauce and soy sauce. Actually tasted nice surprisingly. Another new discovery ^_^ Simple yet befitting for this lost Asian girl.